


Always Restless

by starvessel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Levi loves Erwin more than Erwin loves himself, M/M, Nightmares, also Erwin is actually a very vulnerable old man and Levi puts him back together when he breaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-07 00:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11612142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvessel/pseuds/starvessel
Summary: There's only so much Levi is willing to do for his fellow soldiers, especially when it comes to things that haunt all of them; like nightmares.But Erwin is the exception to everything.For Erwin, he would do anything, just to heal his pain.





	Always Restless

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally the first fic I wrote in like years, the first one I'm posting online (in English) and the first one I actually finished omg. So please don't be too hard on me I'm just a potato bringing you this Eruri thing and hoping you will like it.  
> Surely there's still plenty of room for improvement in my writing, especially since English isn't my mother tongue. I'll keep doing my best!
> 
> I felt like writing this after mulling over how all the Survey Corps soldiers must suffer from terrible nightmares after what they have seen, because it can't be easy for their psyche to handle, similar to what soldiers in our world experience when having seen war.  
> When I thought about what their dreams would be like I immediatly knew that Erwin's dreams would be a bit different than the ones of the others because he would rather suffer from the constant guilt of having led so many people to their deaths.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this.~
> 
> EDIT: 27.05.18: Changed some of the expressions and wording as I was unhappy with how the tone came across wrongly in some sentences.

Living in the barracks is weird for Levi. He’s never alone and most of the time it bothers him to be surrounded by people, when all he wants is a bit of peace and some alone time. They’re all dirty men who don’t clean their beds and often everything looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in ages, which is probably not far from the truth. (Except for Levi’s own bunk bed.)

One would assume that you’re never lonely when there’s so many other soldiers walking around all the time, but that’s not how it is at all. Despite the company you still feel lonely and being together just makes life even more annoying sometimes.

They all have them. Nightmares.

Night is the time where Levi feels most lonely and he almost forgot how it used to feel, when Farlan would touch his arm when he woke up at night, to calm him down. Or on the rare occasions when Levi would let Farlan hug him, when he felt especially bad after his terrible Underground life experiences would follow him into his dreams.  
Similarly, all soldiers who have been outside the walls know the terrors and they all are forced to relive them in their dreams, once they come back from expeditions.

Levi doesn’t know what it’s like in the women’s barracks, maybe they always comfort each other in the darkness, but in the men’s barracks they don’t. It’s most likely their pride, preventing them from showing weakness in front of each other. Therefore, here, it’s everyone for themselves.

In these few years he has been here now he has heard so many men scream or cry at night, bawling their eyes out loudly or sobbing into their pillows as silently as possible that he can’t even count anymore how often it has happened.

Admittedly, he also has woken up before, gasping in shock after he saw Isabel and Farlan die in front of him all over again, but in the morning no one ever approaches him about it and he’s grateful they either never heard him, or choose to ignore what he goes through. They all have seen horrors and no one judges anyone for crying at night anymore.

On some occasions Levi has seen friends comfort each other silently in their bunks, but he rarely saw strangers do that, over the years since he's been here. He himself has never felt like comforting any of them. He cares about them, doesn’t want any of them to die. He understands how hard it is for everyone and wishes it was different. But it’s just the way it is and he’s certainly not the type to go up to someone and pat them on the back in comfort.

With Erwin it’s different.

At some point they started sleeping with each other. Levi isn’t exactly sure how it happened, or how long it took for him to feel as strongly about Erwin as he does now.

What he does know though is that Erwin was the first of the both of them to feel anything, the way he always looked at him should have been obvious to Levi, but it took him a while to figure it out.

It’s one of those nights when Erwin asks him to sleep over at his room again. As the Commander of course he doesn’t sleep in the barracks, but has a room to himself. Levi returns to his own bed normally - they had mutually agreed on it - so no one would suspect about what happens in Erwin’s bedroom at night. Except for Mike, Hange and some of the other veterans, nobody knows about their rather dangerous secret and Levi knows it's better for the both of them.

Except today is different, like it sometimes is, as Erwin is looking at Levi with his eyes pleading and sparkling, as if he is the most beautiful thing Erwin has ever seen.

“Please stay,” he says, stroking the inside of Levi’s wrist and Levi can never say no to him when he pleads.

“Alright.”

He settles back into bed, after having put his clothes neatly back onto the small desk, and Erwin tugs him to his chest.  
They fall asleep quickly and it’s only when Levi hears Erwin whimper softly into his ear that he wakes up and stares into the darkness of the room disoriented at first, confused about where he is and what's going on, but then realises that Erwin is having a nightmare, the more he starts fidgeting in Levi's arms.  
Levi is not a heavy sleeper and although it’s simply a bother in the barracks to wake up every time someone so much as changes positions on the creaking bunks, he’s thankful for it now.

“Erwin?” he whispers and gets up on his elbow to be able look at him better.

“I’m- sorry I’m doing this to you, I’m so sorry…” The way Erwin is talking is odd and distorted, unusual compared to how he talks when he's awake. Weak and vulnerable and hurt. He sounds so utterly in pain that Levi suddenly feels an extremely strong protectiveness he didn't feel in years, not since Isabel lay on his doorstep, but which has come out more and more often lately.  
“Hey I’m here, you’re having a nightmare. It’s okay. You're okay.” But Erwin doesn’t seem to hear him, his face pulled into a deep, terrified frown.

“It was my fault-” He sobs and it’s all Levi needs to decide to wake him from his suffering, because he can’t take to see the person he would give his life for in so much pain.  
“Erwin,” Levi says now a bit louder and touches his arm, which is gripping the blanket tightly.

“Erwin, wake up.” His other hand wanders up to his cheek and he strokes it carefully, trying not to scare him. Despite his efforts Erwin wakes from his dream gasping for air, confused by the sudden touch paired with the seemingly real pictures he has seen.

“Levi,” he says once his eyes are able to focus on Levi’s face in the darkness and his voice is so utterly broken that Levi thinks he can feel his heart breaking with it.

“I’m here,” is what he answers softly and Erwin just whimpers again and tries to hide his face against Levi’s chest.

“I killed them all,” is what he whispers, his voice barely audible like he’s sharing something with Levi he can’t bear to voice out loud.

“I always see them in my dreams. The soldiers I led to their death. I caused pain to all of them and their families and … their lovers,” his voice breaks again on the last word and suddenly Levi is immensely furious. Not at Erwin. Never at Erwin. But at this world, at their circumstances. At all the fuckers in the capital and their pathetic rich asses; and at all the ungrateful people not knowing shit about what happens once you leave the secure inside of these walls. At the world Erwin was born into, even though he deserved so much more than this. At the role he has to play to save them.

“Listen to me. Erwin.” His voice is firm but gentle and he runs his fingers through Erwin’s hair once, before scooting a bit away from him, so he can look at him again from where he has hid against Levi’s chest. It’s dark in the room so Levi can’t see the blue of Erwin’s eyes, but he sees how glassy they are, how his cheeks are shining against the moonlight coming in from outside the window, painting his skin gleaming with tears. He looks into those soft eyes, which are normally determined and focused, but which are now the opposite, sad and frantic.

Levi isn’t good with words and he hopes he can find the right thing to say to calm Erwin down, to make him feel better. Because Erwin is the only reason Levi feels alive again after so much suffering and he be damned if he can’t do the same for him.

“You are the reason I’m alive, Erwin. Nobody knows what might have happened to me in the Underground, I learned to survive there but it’s an inhuman place. It was not a life I would wish for anyone. You saved me back then and you showed me what living means. You showed me what love means and that means more than anything to me. What we have now means more than anything to me.”

Erwin’s eyes blow wide and Levi smiles at him faintly. He knows Erwin’s heart skips faster at his words, feels it when he puts his hand over Erwin's heart.

They haven’t said it to each other yet - that they love each other - although Levi himself already knows it’s how he feels.

“People died in this war. Isabel and Farlan died. So many other soldiers died. But Erwin. It is a war. Yes, you give the command. But all these soldiers came here willingly to fight for humanity. They all knew what they were coming here for, it’s not like you tricked them into anything they weren’t prepared for. And remember how many people died under Shadis. The soldiers now have much better chances at surviving because of you. And they would give their lives for you. You are giving the command to people who put their lives into your hands. But they put their lives there because they wanted to, not because you forced them to. And they see something in you that makes them want to follow you. Just as I wanted to follow you, because you’re remarkable Erwin. They don’t even deserve you.

No one ever gives you any credit for everything you sacrifice and it’s so fucking unfair. You do so much for all of us, we would be lost without you. What should humanity even do without you as a Commander? Just keep living inside these walls forever? Pick a Commander who is too stupid to get any funds for the Corps from the nobles? There would be no hope without you Erwin, for none of us.”

Levi is still staring into Erwin’s eyes once he’s done talking, and it looks like Erwin is trying to cling to his words just by fixing his stare on Levi. He starts crying again, the tears falling silently now.

“Levi,” he says, his voice wavering still but louder this time, not a whisper anymore, but firm despite the tears choking him up.

“I love you.”

And just like that Levi feels like something broke free inside of him. He isn’t sure whether his words truly reached Erwin’s broken soul like he meant them to, to heal his pain, since he isn’t sure that the pain can be healed at all. But he knows that what the two of them have will be enough to keep them from breaking completely. They can glue their broken pieces back together for each other now. They aren’t alone anymore, and Levi will make sure that this will stay that way until one of them takes their very last breath.  
“I love you, too,” he says and Erwin sobs, just once, but he sounds so relieved, like it’s the only thing he waited for in all his life, like it’s the only thing he ever needed to hear.

“I’m so lucky to have you, Levi. So lucky.” His voice is full of tears, but he tries to smile a bit despite it looking wobbly and more like a half-grimace than anything else, because he’s obviously overwhelmed. It's an honest smile though. Truthful.

So Levi lies down besides him again to pull him towards his chest. As soon as he does so, Erwin is gripping his shoulder hard enough to bruise, his face hidden again in the crook of Levi’s neck. He’s quiet now, but Levi can feel the tears against his chest where they’re still falling in silence. Levi lets his fingers travel down Erwin’s bare back, down his spine and up again; in a calming manner, while holding him close at the same time. He’s warm under Levi’s hands and alive. Still alive, still breathing, heart still beating and still fighting his demons. He isn’t alone anymore, though.

It's a terrible war they have to live through, the titans outside the walls and fucked up politics with ridiculous politicians and the monarchy inside, and Levi won’t be able to take the guilt from Erwin. It will follow Erwin every single day. Wherever he walks. When he eats. When he visits town. When he talks to friends and when he sleeps, into his dreams.

He knows he can’t take that guilt from Erwin and it’s so unfair. It’s a burden he can’t even imagine to shoulder, something so incredibly heavy that he wonders every day how Erwin is still so human despite everything, how he was able to keep all the wonderful parts of himself undestroyed by all the harm done to him.

Others might see it differently, they might blame Erwin for all the deaths and might hate him for merely existing, without knowing a single thing about him. But Levi never would, he knows it’s a necessity that somebody gives these orders for humanity to even have a chance at defeating the titans and he can’t imagine anyone else doing it than Erwin.

And in the end, Levi will always stay with him, will always pick him up again and mend his soul no matter how many times he has to do so. Because to Levi, Erwin is so much more than just a soldier. More than just a Commander. He's more than anything Levi deserves. So much more than anyone on this world deserves.

A man giving himself up so completely that he can barely shoulder it alone, just to save everyone else.


End file.
